I’m laid on my sofa, bikini on, doors wide open and coffee in hand… there’s a fly buzzing around trying to disturb my bliss, but he can just be for now. Today I feel happy. I feel more than happy. I feel content and ….blissful.
Colours seem brighter, my sense of smell is heightened, that inner craving for something-ANYTHING, has gone. I no longer feel a sense of needing to be somewhere, to do something or take away anything.
Watering my flowers has become the highlight of my day, knowing I’m keeping them alive and beautiful on hot days. I can sense them almost thanking me as I pour cool water onto them. The birds that sing above sound like a chorus of angels and even that damn fly is serving a purpose I’m sure. (No I’m not high or drunk)
Something inside me has changed, I can feel it. I’m not sure what it is but I really like it. In fact, I’m loving it…. So I’ll try to reflect on this sudden shift from needing to being. Here goes…
Last week I had my birthday, leading up to it, as you know, I’d been suppressing thoughts of drinking. Quiet little thoughts, seeping through like a silent dripping water leak, one that accumulates water below without you realising it- that is until the ceiling comes crashing down. I heard the feint distant drip, drip, drip, and I could smell damp in the air… but because it involves investigation then work, I ignored it hoping it would go away.
my ceiling comes in and now I’m faced with a crisis I simply can’t avoid. If only I’d investigated that damned dripping noise. If only I’d noticed the almost silent constant whispering about alcohol.
The crisis was minor, this time. Just a crack in the metaphorical ceiling of sobriety, and thanks to my eager desire to deal with any cracks that appear I called in the professionals. I called in my inner being, my source- I journaled myself out of this place I’d found myself in and I discovered more than just a crack in my sober ceiling, I found a great gaping hole in my trust ceiling. It was HUGE. how did I miss that?
After fixing the sobriety issue I set to work examining my trust issues. What caused it? how long was this hole being created? How did I not see it?? Time to investigate. Treat the issue at source, trace back and cure this shit once and for all.
And here is what I discovered. This was painful. This meant accepting is been a bit of a twat. But it’s necessary for growth. Here’s how my journal workings go…
I was once SO trusting. Too trusting in fact. I’d jump in head first into every relationship, fall in live too quickly and literally pour myself into the other person. I’d mould myself into be how they wanted me to be, a shape shifter for love. I’d suddenly love the things they love, have their same morals and beliefs, I’d dress how they wanted, laugh at their jokes the loudest, I’d drop my friend’s like hot stones because I now had my new best friend, my new love, the one. That was all I needed. One great love to love me.
But, I realised, this wasn’t done out of love for the other, it was done out of a lack of love for myself. I so desperately wanted approval that I literally just became what I thought they wanted me to be. I was like an empty shell waiting for someone else to fill me up with their ideals, their preferences, their dreams and desires. The whole time ignoring my own. Treating myself like my dreams weren’t valid or good enough.
The problem with this is, I wasn’t an empty shell. I’m an ever evolving, loving and compassionate person… just as we all are at our core. By trying to be and act in a way that wasn’t true to myself, the love and infatuation I once felt, slowly turned into bitter resentment for every love I’d ever had. I resented that I’d changed all of me yet still I wasn’t enough, I resented that I was their biggest cheerleader yet they still preferred to pay more attention to the rest of the squad. I hated that no matter how ‘good’ I was, it was just never good enough.
‘What more do you want from me?’ I’d scream internally.
But the issue wasn’t with the others…. It was with me. How could someone else possibly fall truly in love with a version of myself that simply wasn’t genuine? I didn’t know I wasn’t being genuine, I thought I was being a good partner, but, because those thoughts, behaviours and ideals didn’t come organically from me they were ultimately false. I was false. Eventually parts of my true self would appear, my strong opinions, my tendency for laziness, my wonderful ability of procrastination, my deep dark feelings and over thinking… this wasn’t the person they fell in love with! So I then was torn. The side of me they fell in love with wasn’t truly me, so when the real me came out it was a shock, it was perceived as me being different and they just wanted me to go back to the empty shell they could fill with their ideals, as a result I felt confused. The real me was rejected, the false me was being rejected by me. So all in all just one big bag of rejection. So I drank and drank to kill off my inner self, my true self, all in the name of love, but forgetting that I AM love.
As a result of repeating these patterns over and over through my life, I made a decision last year that NO MATTER WHAT, I was going to be myself. If someone doesn’t like it-That’s ok. At least I was being true to myself. At least I wasn’t confused. At least I could be genuine and grow to love and accept myself.
What I didn’t bank on was the great big steel wall I created for the first time in my life. I was on one side of the wall, the rest of the world was on the other. I became too comfortable on my own, I was getting to know myself truly. Getting to explore my inner depths, my beliefs, my likes and dislikes and I liked it. It became wonderfully addictive.
Then I heard a knock on the wall, a wonderful man stood there, asking me to let him in… I wanted to, but I was enjoying myself too much, I was happy being disconnected and free, almost untouchable. But I wasn’t really free, I was afraid, so afraid of what was outside these walls. So instead of dropping my walls I let him in and closed them behind him, he was in my world, my safe place but he had to play by my rules, he had to be in my world and I left no room for his. I became so afraid of being that empty shell willingly letting others fill me up that I then demanded someone be the empty shell for me.
I picked, poked and tried to desperately make this person be the person I thought I needed. But while I was doing this I was once again becoming bitter and resentful. Frustrated that I wasn’t having the relationship I wanted I pushed him back out. Over and over. Until something inside me finally broke. That break came this week.
I laid in my self made fortress, weeping, feeling alone and afraid. Trying to learn all about myself had become so consuming that I forgot one crucial thing… to allow my self to be loved and to love. I did the only thing I could, I prayed. I got on my knees and I prayed to a power above me that knows way more than I possibly can. The power that brought me back from the brink and the one that showed me how to heal myself. I needed help.
‘Please help me, please show me the way. I surrender, I’m lost and I surrender’
My walls came crashing down and suddenly I could see the world outside of me as the wonderful place it is. Not scary, not out to hurt me. Stood right there was the man I love, still waiting. I released every fear, every expectation and opened my eyes and my heart and said ‘ok, let’s go. Let’s see what this real love thing is all about’
I dropped my bullshit, all of my barriers, but this time I’ve kept hold of me. I won’t change myself to suit others, but I’ll improve myself for my own happiness, to allow others be who they want to be and to become the kindest person I can be. I’ll work tirelessly on me,
I’ll commit to giving life 100% and keep that inner knowing that all will be well. Because it will. It always is.
So, I’ve stepped off the cliff edge. Eyes tightly shut, braced for impact, then something amazing happened instead…. I flew. Slowly opening my eyes I can see all the things I’ve been missing. By keeping my focus purely on myself, I missed all the opportunities and beauty that’s quite literally everywhere. But I see it now and I feel amazing. I feel like anything is possible and I believe it too.
I’m in love, with a wonderful man, my children, my family, my friends and with the world. But, more importantly, with myself.
No longer doing…. I’m happy just being. I’m happy in a new way.