My poison of choice, the one that got me to oblivion was always wine. Specifically, red wine. Yet this was the drink that took me from zero to psycho within a nano second. I could drink vodka, gin, beer etc and while I’d get drunk it never quite took me to the place my beloved red wine did. It was a new level of messed up-ness. Of course I would start with the usual intentions, the usual denials
“I’ll just have one bottle”
“I’ll not get like that THIS time, I promise”
And these were not empty promises, I truly meant it, I genuinely believed that I was in control, yet time And time again the reality had proved otherwise.
So, why? Why go for the one drink that I know takes me to the dark side quicker than my ex deleted his search history? I think it’s because it took me to the dark place, as twisted as that sounds.
You see, drinking to oblivion isn’t for the enjoyment of drinking, no matter how expensive the bottle, or fancy the glass, when you drink because you can’t function without it, you are drinking for oblivion. Before you even realise you have a drinking problem you’ve visited the void of oblivion so many times that your mind now starts to get comfortable there. It’s set up a comfy arm chair and your crazy slippers are ready And waiting for you to slip straight into. Unbeknownst to us alcohol abusers, we have been stealthily setting a scene, decorating the void, making it nice and cosy, all in preparation for the day we admit defeat to normality and set up home there. The addict brain WANTS us to not notice that we are slipping, it’s sneaky, it’s sly, it doesn’t care about your ‘normal’ life, your commitments, your job, your drivers license, your kids, your loved ones... it only cares about one thing, and one thing only, getting you to the void of oblivion as fast as it can. Once you are there, your addict brain can now play, you are merely a vessel for it to do its work through. You are a puppet and your own brain is now running the show without any limits or any remorse.
We go for the drink that gets us there as quickly as possible because the longer it takes to get there, the more chance you have of intervening the addict brains plan.
This isn’t to say that you simply switch drink, it doesn’t work like that, because even if you try to trick your addict mind, it will wait until you are drunk enough then start doing the river dance on your fuck it button. It will always win once you take that first drink. Why? Because it has been setting the scene And getting you nice and cosy there without your knowledge for a long time, possibly years. You have unknowingly become more comfortable in the void of oblivion than you have in your sober life.
You’ve been groomed... and the worst part is... you’ve done it to yourself.
Once your void of oblivion has become a place of twisted comfort there is no going back... there is no moderating. There is no ‘having a couple’, your addict brain may allow you to be controlled for a short while when you are particularly determined, but this isn’t you being in control- no, no, no.... this is the addict brain allowing you to believe you are, to suck you back into the void bit by bit without you realizing. Until one day you are laid in bed, 7 empty bottles of Prosecco lying about your bedroom, wondering how you ended up here again as you ‘didn’t drink the red wine’ so you should have been ok?! Now you’re confused and dazed, but right back into active addiction. Fuck. Time to claw yourself out of the void.... again.
Addiction is sneaky, it has no compassion, shows no remorse, it cares only about one thing and one thing only.... having complete control. It will do ANYTHING to get you there. It will whisper sweet nothings, lie to you, covertly attract you to people who support your alcoholism and convince you the rest are lying arseholes out to get you. Your addict brain is nothing short of a narcissist, out to control and conquer all of you to get you submissive and compliant. A parasite living inside you feeding off your hopes, dreams and fears and the worst part is we gave it the key to get in then left a spare under the doormat ‘just in case’
Separate yourself from your addict brain. It is not YOU. You are worth so much more than the lies you are being told. You can simply choose not to listen. Your brain is not YOU. your brain is complex, we think so many useless thoughts each day, have pointless make believe arguments with people, mull over destructive past behaviors, and for what? Learn to detach from the thoughts, they are just thoughts.... they only become a problem when you believe them and act on them. Choose your own narrative. And stick to that script.
You got this.